As I move through what seemed in the moment to be one of the most challenging yet eye-opening experiences of myself to date, I realise that it is not that this challenge is any better or worse than any that preceded it; it is me who has altered the way that I feel it, witness it and let it control me. I feel awake, even brought alive by this challenge, more so than ever before. I realise that the challenge will soon be irrelevant and that all that has happened was always going to. All that was in my control was my choice of how to let it affect me, how I chose to respond, and how I wanted to be perceived, remembered and heard. There is true power in choice, awareness and understanding.
The ebbs and flows in life can define us or crush us
There will always be moments in our lives that define us, things that put us on the map so to speak but this moment, this slow journey to ourselves and our choices that are triumphs for each of us, wins that only we can fully understand about ourselves. It’s not in the grand gestures that we find ourselves or that our purpose becomes clear; it's in all the tiny moments, the changing of habits, the choosing yourself over another, the seeking of nourishment, not noise, the careful ways in which you start to notice what it is that makes you happy beyond anything else, and then when you begin to listen to yourself and your needs as if they are not only the loudest in the room but also that they’re ultimately the only needs that matter.
There will be a moment in your next challenge where you can pause, collect yourself and review the options, and I invite you to treasure this moment and see who you really are, who you want to show up as, how you want to be remembered. Life is challenging and will inevitably show you that you cannot plan for things beyond your control. Instead of being crushed by them, be curious about them. What is it in the challenge that is making you angry, upset, or agitated? Then, ask yourself why. It is in these moments that you can have a clear view of your values and what matters to you. The challenge itself might have been put in your way for this very reason: for you to get to know yourself.
Change can seem scary for some, including me, but something more terrifying than change is the idea that we will be exactly where we are right now if we do not change. When nature stagnates, it dies; movement, change, and evolution are the only options, so we are better off if we get used to them. Notice that less resistance makes the fear of change feel exciting, not terrifying.
How to be more open to change
Change can be big or small, but it's the conscious and mindful choices you make by choosing yourself and your needs that will ultimately lead you to change that no longer scares but excites you. Many challenges will be ahead, but when we know ourselves well enough to honour our needs during these times of strife, we may learn to enjoy the bumpy road of life we are all on.
What you can do to start to listen to yourself and your needs:
Next time you feel challenged, be curious about the feeling it presents and look for the reason beyond the experience that it is trying to tell you something.
- If you were to paint a picture of the ideal outcome, what would it look like and why?
- In this picture, are you a winner or loser, or have you painted a fair solution that could be a realistic outcome?
- What do you want out of this situation?
- Has it come about because of something you have done, said or failed to do? Be honest with yourself. What is your part in this?
- Are you open to taking responsibility for your part in the challenge?
- Can you grow from this challenge?
- Can you learn from this difficult moment? Does it help point you to an area of your life that is controlling you?
- Is there a story you are telling yourself here that might not be true? Look for the facts
- Tell the friend and ask them to be honest about how they think you could deal with it. Use the barometer of someone you trust
How is your behaviour perceived on the outside and the inside
Many of us quickly move from anger - hard done by - victim. It’s familiar, although the options available are far greater than this; we just need to look a little longer. What if you have been acting a particular way because you’re trying to escape, move on, or need a change? What if you have said something that has offended someone? What if you acted in the heat of the moment and hurt someone's feelings? What if your response was just a bad one that crossed a line? If you look hard enough, there will be a story you will cling to, one that makes you the hero. Try not to do this. Own your part in the story, and try to tell it from another point of view. You are only human, and trust me, we all make mistakes. Try to be objective, own your mistakes, and be honest about why, not even the score, but get to know yourself and what your behaviour is trying to tell you about your needs. People don’t know what they don’t know, and we all have a terrible habit of blaming others instead of looking at our guilt first. I wish everyone would ask, ‘What do you mean by that? So I don’t take it the wrong way.’ Or better yet, ‘What you said angers me, and let me tell you why.’ We are all flawed, some more than others, but you cannot make others see your point of view if you can’t see theirs.
They say (I’m not sure who they are) that choosing how to respond is all we have absolute control over. What if that is true, and that all you can do to be in control of a situation is opt into learning how to control yourself in moments of profound challenge?
Maybe that's why you’re here; you want to be less adverse to change, and you wish to be more open so that when change is thrown at you in the form of a challenge, you can handle it gracefully and objectively. The only way to evolve is to start listening to your inner voice, that soft narrator who doesn’t judge but guides. She sits way in the back behind Miss Negative and Miss Judgy. She is your ever-constant barometer; she always talks to you, but her voice is quieter than the others. The loud voices are there to keep you ‘safe’ they do this by keeping you stuck. If you do nothing, you won’t ever be harmed, but you’ll also never do anything.
We have all been on an extraordinary and exciting journey over the last few years. I invite you to look back on all your choices and, instead of judging yourself, look at how you might handle these choices with some space and perspective; this comparison won’t change anything, but it will show you who you want to be in these situations.
Hindsight is an excellent teacher.
When you look back, be kind; you’ll see growth, personal development and control. You do not have control over the situation but control over how you choose to look at it, what you have learnt, and how you would respond in the future. We review hotels, airlines, and potato chips; why shouldn’t we review ourselves?
Life is imperfect and will never be perfect, but our reduced resistance to the ups and downs could allow us to live a little lighter. There is an invitation for you to see things in a kinder, calmer and more compassionate way. Make space for your flaws. Are you curious about these ideas? Try some of the following to get to know yourself:
- Journal - not to document bit to notice, understand, and see yourself in the moment and beyond it. The only way to recognise your patterns is to be conscious of them. It is the beginning of understanding yourself. (Download my journal prompts)
- Meditate - pause, even for 2 - 5 minutes daily, can make a difference. Focus on your breathing and let your mind have a moment to recalibrate. Turning down the volume on the repetitive and negative thoughts is crucial to feeling and hearing what the other parts of you are trying to tell you.
- Dedicate time to yourself. I heard something recently about looking after your human and how that is fundamentally our only real job, what is it in your life that your human needs at least once a day? Find it and serve this need as often as you can. Dedication to something can be really powerful - why shouldn’t this dedication be to yourself?
- Move - and move often. Getting into the body will not only help to clear the mind, but it is also vital for long-term health. The more seriously you take your relationship with your body, the more you will learn what you need and how to look after yourself.
- Find other people who are interested in the same things as you, you are here, so you have already found one person; find others in real life or on social media. If it is via social media, please make sure you spend as much time unfollowing things not serving you as often as following things that will serve you. You are the sum of your parts. (Friends, content, food, etc.) be aware of this as you transition into making yourself your number-one priority.
I’ll be putting together some digital downloads over the coming months; please reach out if there is something that you would find helpful in your self-discovery journey, and as we find our way to being centred, we will share, learn and listen to one and other, comment, follow, dm etc.
Resilience is all about handling life's challenges, controlling what you can, learning from the things you cannot control, and noticing what is happening in your body. She knows best, trust her.
