Have you ever met someone that is you when you are at your worst? Their fire is like your fire, only when you see it on another it looks kind of sideways, uncomfortable and a little ugly. You fight it pretending that you are nothing like this person, but once you have seen it, it’s impossible to unsee it. You know you share traits with this type of ugly, and you don’t like that bit about yourself anymore. What can this show us, how can we use it? The fire you see might force you to see that there is another way to respond, or it might force you to alter your reactions. For example, maintaining composure in a stressful situation can show grace, control and strength. It’s far harder than just snapping but it’s worth it. Recognising that you would have previously responded in anger (or ugly) you know you have this in you still but you choose through this observation to be better. What can this person teach us? Could it make us a better friend, colleague, or partner. Can we be grateful for this lesson?
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder.
This gift of ugly, is only a gift if you find it yourself, it’s odd if someone else points it out to you, you will likely slip into denial and get defensive. Being told you are like something you see as ugly (even if this is not true for the person showing you) causes some internal unrest. It’s one of the purest examples of how you have to want to change more than you want to stay the same. We are easily offended when these things are thrown at us. Just like beauty, ugly is in the eye of the beholder. It begs the question should you try to help others find their ugly? Should you show them the mirror they showed you, or is it kinder and more powerful to leave it as unknown. The best gifts are the ones that come anonymously, as if from nowhere.
"It’s kind of beautiful, the clarity of reflection and awareness. It’s my favourite lesson this year."
It’s comical, my real-life example of this has recently identified the gift of ugly in another, and I now get to observe as these two people navigate through it. As one alters their behaviour and the other wonders why there is a change, oblivious that they have given this gift. It’s kind of beautiful, the clarity of reflection and awareness. It’s my favourite lesson this year. The question I am longing to answer is will their recognition spark an alteration in behaviour, a taming of their fire. Is this a cycle that continues on, touching people and their potential each time it circles?
Behavioural changes are a choice.
Behavioural changes are for some the most challenging to navigate, we all want to break bad habits but some fail to have the real desire and commitment. The stories we tell ourselves always justify the means, maybe that is why this lesson is undeniable - as it’s internal, solo and impossible to unsee. You have to own your ugly or get away from it, the only other option involves self-loathing and no one opts in for that. One hundred people can tell you are a mean drunk or difficult to be around when you are feeling insecure but it’ll never effect a change in you until you can recognise it yourself. There is some kind of truth in seeing it with your own eyes. I do wonder if you would ever be able to recognise it without the 100 pre warnings, but for that, we will never know.
Change is hard but it’s also essential and one of the only constants in life, your choice is to change for the better and for yourself.
