As I reach the end of Susan Cain’s Quiet I realise we may have to add a book section - not to review books, but for an acknowledgement and appreciation to the authors who help us all think beyond our current understanding. All ideas build on the ones that have come before and I feel enriched with every new chapter. It’s not that the ideas have never occurred to us, or that we haven’t pondered some of these qualities about ourselves and others, it's the way these thought leaders articulate them and bring them together in books that help us to see ourselves in a kinder and more favoured light.
As I rethink the books I have consumed over the years I know they have taken me to places of thought that I would never have reached without their signposted stories. I am sure that the right book will find each of us just when we need it. Susan Cain has frequented many podcasts that I have stumbled upon, but this book was handed to me by my husband. Sometimes others know us better than we know ourselves.
Solitude, self-compassion and recharging alone
If you think about the time that you most enjoy or the moments when you find yourself energised, is it around others or is it after some quiet alone time? The phrase ‘you’re an adult, you can make any choice you want.’ reminds me that when I was a child I was pushed to be more social than I was comfortable with. This, according to Cain’s research, is common and with the right guidance not required for a successful adult social life. To be honest it wasn't until being locked down for hundreds of days at a time that I realised, I was ok with being in my own company. I was forced like so many others to get to know myself on a deeper level. The times I would read or catch up with individuals on Zoom were preferred over the larger social situations I would have found myself in had we not been isolated. I was clear for the first time that I enjoyed the quiet moments to myself to think deeply, to read, to reflect and to write. I acknowledged I might be an introvert, it had occurred to me a few times but I never really explored the deeper meanings, or as Cain coins it, the superpowers of an introverted personality type. I know it sounds silly, a woman in her thirties only recently finding a label that fits, but it’s true. I think I have an issue with labels in general, so avoided all on principle. I wanted to get to know myself not to be categorised by a personality trait often seen as the less favoured.
I took an online Psychology Diploma during the lockdowns and I was thriving in my little bubble, learning about people, personalities, behaviours and how to apply these lessons to my own experience. I learned theory on top of theory based on trying to extrapolate the concepts into my baggage. It was clever, the way the course was set up with reflective assignments, not memorising endless and ever-changing data. I was alone, in a topic I found fascinating, but blissfully happy. It was my little social experiment, learning about me, what I need and want, and how to get it.
Every time I have needed perspective I turn to a book, every time I need understanding, I write. Maybe the clues were there all along, but that ‘outgoing’ label I was given as a child to encourage me seemed to overpower a true understanding of my needs. Get told something enough - you will believe it. With Cain’s beautifully written guide, it’s clear, that many of us are seeking calm, quiet solitude. There is power in these quieter moments.
Cain covers many stories and examples of such behaviours and situations where schools and workplaces alike are not in tune with the needs of all. This book holds space for introverts to see themselves through an understood and compassionate lens.
The Introverts Superpowers
Susan Cain uses her personal experience while standing toe to toe with psychologists and researchers to weave in a sensitivity narrative which is positive and powerful, rather than the shy and loner story so many of us have heard all too often. Dr Elaine Aron’s research into the sensitivities of personalities and temperament has shown new benefits of such traits. Her life's work suggests a new perspective for people who have been seen as ‘just shy’ for too long. There is a scale to personality and the layers of traits along with many ways in which quiet individuals can harness their natural powers within.Through Aron’s research into sensitivity and its understanding of what it means to be introverted, Susan pulls together references that show the superpowers that introverts may be able to tap into:
- Introverts are more likely to be philosophical or spiritual rather than materialistic or hedonistic
- Introverts dislike small talk as they think in more complicated ways and it can bore them
- Introverts tend to be intuitive and creative
- Introverts dream vividly and often remember these dreams
- Introverts feel strong emotions deeply both positive and negative
- Introverts notice subtleties in their environment that others would miss
- Introverts love music, art, nature and physical beauty
- Introverts are organised and arrange their lives to avoid surprises
- Introverts are keen observers, and look before they leap
- Introverts are highly empathetic
- Introverts have a strong conscience
- Introverts are acutely aware of the consequences if they have a lapse in judgment
If you think about these traits there would be places and roles in the world where these inclinations would allow sensitive people to thrive. Recognising the traits in oneself or another may not be as easy as it sounds. Many introverts have learned extrovert behaviours, they have adapted to fit in or blend in.
If all the institutions around us are set to recognise and reward those who are bold and confident haven't we all been taught to be, at least at face value, a little extroverted? If this is true, how do we get comfortable with the parts we have to play? Have we adapted and evolved to be different versions of ourselves in different settings? Quiet at home, while bubbly at work.
I can see it from both sides, take a presentation of a new product, project or finding. I’m sure you can agree it’s difficult to be in a presentation where the speaker is nervous, unengaging and even quiet (literally). We all understand why they might feel this way presenting to a room of strangers but to be frank, we would be unimpressed by the way that person holds themselves, although empathetic to their struggle. While wondering about their training, likely distracted by their awkwardness we are not listening to what they have to share.
It sounds brutal but we have all been in that nervous presenter's position. We needed to learn how to be in that position, and through practice and repetition it gets easier. It’s a part of most of our jobs and will continue to be for a long time. It’s not that we’re necessarily shown how to be okay with public speaking, it's just something that with enough exposure we can get used to it. Like a fear of flying, or feeling uncomfortable around dogs. We each have limitations but can push ourselves through the discomfort to grow.
A passion for the topic is one way to reduce the number of pauses, um’s and ahhs. Knowledge of the subject and an interest from the crowd are the only two things to think about. Say for example you're in a room with 10 people, they all want to hear what you have to say and they all show up at the meeting, sit quietly and let you proceed. Your stress level is low. On the other hand, when standing on stage in front of 500 people, you're scripted and non-passionate about the words you're speaking (non-authentic) it's normal to feel less comfortable, fidgeting, sweating and even terrified. Like said before there is a scale to these things.
Being introverted seems to mean that you can be more comprehensive in your investigation, so when you can speak publicly about a passionate project you will likely do it more articulately than an extroverted colleague. It might feel like miles away, but the research suggests that an introverted person's attention to detail allows them to see and explain things more deeply. Trust yourself and the work that you have likely put in over someone less focused.
Although Cain’s book runs through scientific views and many studies, there is nothing more powerful than reading a book and extrapolating the ideas in reflecting on your experiences. Her words through her journey reach us as readers in places where lists of studies and their findings are not able. Finding a commonality behind these studies and how they can be used as springboards into an understanding of yourself or someone you know is a kind and generous gift.
The overarching message that I got from this book was that you can unleash the power in the quiet and learn to be more of yourself in the not-so-quiet. Social and other so-called extroverted activities are learnable skills that can be scaled gradually so all introverts can enjoy both the solace and the social, in a setting and environment that nurtures them. It’s ok to be the person looking for the most interesting conversation in the room, it's ok to be the person that needs fresh air after an unfulfilling discussion about reality TV and it's ok to want to stay at home and read a book. What I seem to take from all the books I read on personality is that it’s best to find a place of comfort and build on it at your own speed. Embracing your starting point and setting a goal of where you want to get to is the only place to begin. Sounds so simple however, comparing yourself to the person in the room that captures everyone's attention with a funny story is likely where an introvert might start. It is far kinder to not compare yourself with anyone other than the person you once were or who you want to be, be where you are and not where you wish to be. There is no other way than forward.
For anyone who has been called shy, or who is bored of explaining why their weekend was awesome because they got to be by themselves, this book is for you. It’s rich in studies and experiments but it’s richer in understanding you and all the superpowers you have inside that you have hidden or have taken for granted. Imagine if you could harness all 12 of the powers listed above. Just imagine.
Be yourself, know yourself and follow your interests. Turns out it’s what might make you the most interesting person in the room.
