What is it to communicate, and do we do it honestly? I have been thinking deeply about communication and what it means for us if verbal really is only 7%. To be verbal is how we learn, how we trust and how we talk. How much of the other 93% do we miss, ignore or filter out. Are we all listening wrong, should we be listening with our eyes, not our ears.
According to Mehrabian, communication is typically:
- 7% in the words that are spoken
- 38% is paralinguistic; the way that the words are said, or tone
- 55% is in facial expression and body language
Just think about that for a moment, our brains are not just listening they are looking for context, feeling, attitudes and tone, all while watching and interpreting body language. (No wonder meetings make me sleepy.)
When was the last time you thought about posture or eye contact when in a meeting, if you have ever been on a training course it would have popped up, but - would you have got that job offer if you’d power posed beforehand, used a firm handshake and held eye contact throughout the interaction. Turns out - maybe.
What is your label?
Imagine for a moment that we spent as much time learning about body language as we did about speech as children. Or put as much focus on it over clothing, makeup and labels. Today I’ll be wearing me and my power pose instead of whatever outfit I recently ordered online for the interview.
"My husband is a terrible liar, he speaks in a slightly higher pitch, cannot make eye contact and best of all smiles uncontrollably when his lie is complete. It’s kind of adorable as if no one taught him how to lie as a child."
I like the concept of wearing my own label - my own Fai, if you like. We all wear masks every day rarely showing our true selves to anyone. Why is that? Surely the reason certain people - let’s call them celebrities, look so good in labels, any label. It’s the confidence they have in being photographed, the years of practice in front of a camera, a comfortability in their own skin (their own label.) Let us not underestimate the skills that models have in working a camera. Marketing works and there is a big part of me that thinks it’s the confidence in the nonverbal communication, the body language - the way a pose is held. Models and fashion photographers alike have been mastering this 55% for decades. And annoyingly it’s these campaigns that make us seek out their labels over our own. Is marketing the biggest fibber of all?
Why do we learn how to Lie?
If communication is only 7% verbal - why are there so many good liars, and if body language is 55% why are we not better readers of people’s true intentions. Do we all kid ourselves so we don’t have to think about being exposed? I know we all lie to ourselves, what would happen if we stopped, unmasked for a little - what is the worst that could happen?
My husband is a terrible liar, he speaks in a slightly higher pitch, cannot make eye contact and best of all smiles uncontrollably when his lie is complete. It’s kind of adorable as if no one taught him how to lie as a child. I, on the other hand, can manage a full-blown tail, (all harmless, just for fiction I promise.) What does this say about me, do I understand communication differently or did I learn something different as a child.
Remember when you were about 6 or 7 it was expected that you tell a fib or twenty and your parents would probably let you get away with it, you were cute and its all part of learning. Of course, it wasn’t you who spilled the juice on the kitchen table (even though clearly you were the only one in the room.) Harmless in the moment, but I wonder how some people go from this innocent little test phase to being compulsive and confident liars, and what does that form of communication say about them? And about you for missing the evidence presented in the other 93%. Why is lying a development phase of childhood?
It makes me think about written communication and the inability to understand the context in an email or a text message, maybe even here. Often I get told my emails are blunt and to the point, but isn’t that their purpose? If someone wanted to communicate thoroughly wouldn’t I get a phone call or a meeting request?
I suppose what I am trying to understand is, how can I communicate with you, in a way that you fully understand my intentions, that the words are true and you do not doubt that they are coming from a place of genuine curiosity.
It seems so simple, ask honest questions, and don’t be offended when you get honest answers. So this is an invitation to ask me and anyone around you some questions.
