To love is to be at ease with another, this ease can sometimes create a false perception for onlookers. Ease does not mean easy. After a recent collection of conversations with singles, I have become curious about this topic, and how a skewed perception of couples from singles who are looking for love could be damaging. I wonder how a momentary judgement may disillusion their current worldview. For what it is now is not what has always been.
To love someone without judgement, control or expectation is something that can look easy, but it isn't, there are layers and plot twists to every story and a love story is no exception. The fairytale of love at first sight and perfect marriages are not real, in the sense, that they happen miraculously and overnight. No one will ever know the how of another's love, how it came to be, how it looks so wonderful from the outside. Or what it is about this moment that makes you feel that you want, need and long for this type of companionship. Your perception of others and their situation will be rife with bias, and it could be detrimental to your ability to work at a relationship, especially if you believe their so-called ‘perfect’ is easy or instantaneous. Love is in the work, it is where you not only find out who they are but who you are too.
A successful partnership seems to be beyond the general understanding of singles, or at the least the singles I have discussed this with. The rules in which people live by is different depending on the relationships they opt in too. A relationship without work, understanding and growth isnt a relationship at all. Love is choosing the difficult conversations, as you know the good will outweigh the bad. It’s choosing that this person is the one that you want to fight with. Knowing that there is pain throughout life and this is the person you want to suffer the pain with as they make it all seem worth it. These are the many moments that couples have lived through to create the sense of ease.
Love is incredible, it is safe, it can be home, it can be freedom, but it isn’t perfect and it certainly isn't effortless. It’s messy and long and repetitive and boring and frustrating at times. It’s years of picking the same fight until you finally find a way to see it from the other's point of view. It's understanding they’re mad because they were worried about you. It’s getting out of the way so they can grow and be the best version of themselves, even if it means you’re left behind for a bit. It’s talking about the same historical baggage for years. It's negotiating the differences between kinds of toothpaste, whose turn it is to take the rubbish out, which bedlinen is preferred, and who should put the washing out. It’s finding a place where all the struggles are worth it. A moment in time when you cannot imagine your life without this person. After every row you still look for that person's look of acknowledgement, that sorry that soothes the soul. They have become the person that gives you the courage to follow all of your dreams and knowing they’ll be beside you every step of the way makes everything all less scary.
Love is a journey, one that has ups and downs, one that might come to an end, one that might have some large bumps in the road, but it is a journey to be shared. To love another fully is to trust, to believe and to be yourself with. Love is not a perfect picture, a love letter or a wedding. Finding someone to embark on the trials of life with, to stand beside when things are tough, to feel supported and seen and heard. Love is seeing yourself more clearly as their love allows you to be truly vulnerable enough to see yourself in their eyes.
Love - To love in all its colours, textures and qualities. To love someone without expectations is for it to be true.
