Today, I turn 40.
And as these milestone birthdays tend to do, it has me looking back. Not just at the years themselves, but at the texture of a life. The little details, the unexpected turns, the people who have come and gone, and the choices that have shaped the person I am becoming.
I find myself thinking about every country I've visited, every dinner I've eaten, every grey hair I've earned. Every person I've encountered, every friendship I've experienced, every decision I've made that brought me here.
It's a long and winding road when you stop to look at it all. And today, more than anything, I feel grateful.
Grateful for the ups and the downs. The ins and outs. The things that worked out and the things that didn't. For the experiences that stretched me, the ones that softened me, and the ones that taught me something I didn't yet know I needed to learn.
There is something quite beautiful about taking stock of your life and finding that, even amongst the chaos, there is so much to be thankful for.
Not because everything has been perfect. Far from it.
But because all of it has become part of the story.
The joys and the grief. The beginnings and the endings. The things I've held onto and the things I've had to let go of.
The life I've lived and the life I'm still learning how to live.
What 40 actually feels like:
To be 40, in this body, at this particular moment in time, feels right.
It feels honest.
Forty used to seem so far away. A distant milestone that belonged to some future version of me. Someone older, perhaps wiser, and certainly more certain of who she was.
But now that it's here, I don't feel the need to resist it. I welcome it. I might even say I've invited it in.
Because there's a particular kind of freedom that comes with realising you don't need to have everything figured out to appreciate where you are.
You can be deeply grateful for the life you've built while still wanting something different. You can love the person you've been and remain curious about the person you're becoming. You can hold the past with tenderness without allowing it to dictate the future.
And perhaps that's what this next chapter feels like. A chance to keep becoming.
What I'm arriving with
I'm about to step into a new country, a new home, and a new way of living. There are changes on the horizon, and while I don't know exactly how everything will unfold, I know that I'm not arriving at this moment empty-handed.
I'm arriving with 40 years of experience. With all the lessons, mistakes, adventures, heartbreaks, friendships, conversations, and quiet moments that have brought me here. With a better understanding of what matters to me. With a growing appreciation for what it means to live a life that feels like my own.
And perhaps most importantly, with the willingness to take a few more risks. To leave room for the unexpected. To let the adventure unfold rather than needing to know precisely where it will take me.
Because there is only this one chance to live in this body, at this time, in this particular life.
And I want to be here for it. Fully. Not perfectly. Not fearlessly. But with an open heart and a willingness to keep wandering down this ever-beautiful, ever-complicated path.
To the women entering a new decade alongside me
If you're also stepping into a new chapter, I want to say this simply: let's be a little bolder. Let's stop apologising for the things that make us who we are. Let's take up the space we've spent years making ourselves smaller in. Let's pursue the things we once thought were too late, too impractical, or too far outside the version of ourselves we'd been expected to become.
Let's support each other in what we're dreaming into existence, celebrate each other's beginnings even when they look nothing like our own, and remember that there is no single way to do this life.
Some of us are building families. Some are starting over. Some are falling in love. Some are finding themselves again. Some are quietly figuring out what comes next. All of it counts.
All of it is life. So, here's to 40.
To the years behind me, the lessons within me, and the adventures still waiting to find me. To all that I've had, all that I've lost, and all that I'm yet to discover. To the woman I've been, the woman I am, and the woman I'm still becoming.
And to the beautiful, complicated, entirely imperfect privilege of being here. Let's start today.
With love, Fai x
